Darwin Awards

So I missed my shot at fame and fortune the other day by not running myself over with the car.

I was doing taxes on my brother in-law's computer and when I rushed out the house and jumped into the car I found that it would not start. Didn’t even turn over. All the lights were on but nothing was firing.

This is not new for my car. All summer long when the temperature climbed above 25 a similar thing would happen so I was not shocked or dismayed, but this was the first time in months that this had happened - and I was in a hurry too. I popped the hood and then reached into the glove box for the little red wire that I use to hot wire the car.

I quickly got in front of the car and lifted the hood. I could see the two points that I needed to connect (the red battery post, and the exposed connection point just before the starter). With my objective in easy reach, I balanced the hood open with my head and pushed the wire onto the two points of contact.

Here is note for you mechanics... I imagine you thought that the system was 'fool' proof when you made it so the car wouldn't start while it was in drive. Well... this fool just found a way around your little 'safety' device.

With a satisfying roar, the starter turned over and the engine came to life... then the car bumped into me. As I was pushed back, the hood slammed shut and the car kept on coming. I was reminded of the old “Herby the love bug” movies and wondered briefly if my carr was trying to communicate with me... perhaps some loving message of ‘let’s go, we’re in a hurry’. But as I leaped to the side and the car started to pass me - I could see that his more like a Stephen King novel than a Disney.

I dodged around the door and leapt into the driver side as the high idle of the car continued to propel the car forward towards the parked car innocently sitting ahead. I applied the brakes and awarded myself the medal of Bravery for saving that other parked car, my car, and myself. It was a good thing I was there... someone could have got hurt.

Taxes are dangerous...



I thought that perhaps I was the biggest idiot in the world for this, and then I talked to my Sister in-law who works on the Ortho-Trauma unit at the hospital. Turns out lots of people have run themselves over in the past. In fact, they once had a room of 4 people who had all run themselves over so... I guess this doesn’t even get me into the honorable mention category for the Darwin’s...